in all my years i have never finished a pencil
Kevin male 21 strait bass player, classic car owner (67 Chrysler New Yorker Coupe, 440ci, 3spd auto, currently in the process of being restored)... I also am a nuclear engineering student working on getting my bachelors and I potentially want my PhD. questions are welcome and I will generally follow back.
After everything is said and done
It won’t be me you’ll think of everyday
It won’t be me messaging you
It won’t be me running into you at the store
It won’t be me ringing the bell at your door.
It won’t be me who is calling
And if I do call it will be the wind through the trees
The wind on a cool summers night
The wind that sparks a memory
You’ll remember the places we’ve been who we were and who you are going to be.
But you won’t think about me
You won’t think about me
Not because you don’t care
Not because you gave up
Not because you didn’t try hard enough
Not because you weren’t a good enough friend.
Not because we don’t talk anymore
But because I’m gone
My life taken
Not by another
By ended by my own hand
Because I have let my demons win
If one day you look back
And see this just know
Inside my mind I wage a war
And every battle
And every loss
I become one step closer to the edge
But with every win I step farther away
Further from what I dread most
Losing the war
So, what if I decide to take my own life?
At one point you lived with out me
The day may one day come again
It may not be my own hand
It may be an accident
But a day will come
Where you must again live with out me
But for your sake and my own
I hope you never have to live through that day
When everything else is screaming to end the suffering and pain that seems to never cease
And when the pills are in my hand
The razor is against my artery
The gun is in my mouth
And my mind is screaming at me
“Pull the trigger.”
“Do it, end it all now.”
Something will stop me
Something always seems to breakthrough
Something that seems to scream louder then the voices in my head
Louder then the voices telling me to “just do it”
Something more powerful then my own pain
Its the thought of a loved ones pain…
And that’s what stops me.
I’ve seen a lot of friends make a lot of mistakes. And you know some things you can encourage but not change. I know like 2 or 3 people who are trying to quit cigarettes right now I can’t make them stop smoking no matter what I do. And most I could care less I mean 90% will stop by 30 anyway there’s just that few that won’t… but I watch things play out… I don’t let things get out of hand. And I tend to hold my tounqe on many matters. I see someone who’s done coke before do coke again IDC. I see someone who’s never done coke before do coke… I care. I wouldn’t let a friend drive drunk. I don’t care if you drink smoke weed, what ever. I have an ever watching eye. It may not seem like it because people think I’m obvious… which only happens when something more important has my attention. But to a lot of things I see. I hear. I know. Sometimes I’m honest with the person and let them know I overheard other times there’s no need to get involved cuz its not my business. I see everything everyone posts on all these social media sites and its not them. It might show them looking their best, at their happiest, but that’s not who they are.
I know who these people are though.
I’ve known them for years generally.
Some I’m best friends with others a childhood best friend who moved away but was never forgotten. And others still I hardly know.
But those I’m close to… I watch. I see their snaps, I talk to them, I have developed a sense of who they are, what they are about, and how they present themselves the things the bother them and the things they like.
They come to me for advice on things, some of the smartest people I know turn to me for help when Google just doesn’t cut it.
But because I know who “they are” I can predict how they will act. And I can prepare my self for a situation that may unfurl. But as you can only keep them in line so much they can keep you in line to only a certain extent.
And a word of advice for people who give advice.
A lot of people will come seeking your wisdom. You may offer it to them, but if they come back with the same problem every time and you keep telling them the same thing and they just don’t listen. You get frustrated.
Then when things fall to pieces your there to help clean up. And even if you could say “I told you so!” You don’t. Because that’s not what friends do. They help you get back together.
Because if you don’t know that, when you fall hard, And you will break, that’s when you realize you could use someone’s help.
Now there are people who get along all alone.
But through all the pain, suffering, ridicule, bullying, hatred… everything. In the end my friends were there for me. And I wouldn’t trade my experiences with anyone else. Because no one could enjoy them as much as I could.
I joke about being alone. But I know I’ll have people in my life. Maybe not a wife or girlfriend. Maybe no kids no family of my own. But I will have my brothers and sisters. I will have my friends. And I will never be alone in this world.