I’m sorry if I’m not the same person anymore.
I’m sorry if I’m distant. Reserved. And sometimes overwhelming. My life has always been one huge fucking mess. From my brother being in jail to my other brother being fully handicap and having 2 sisters and on top of all that being the youngest things aren’t easy. Especially when you live with the constant reminders of everything that’s fucked up around you.
To add to all of this my mood is constantly erratic and unpredictable due to bipolar disorder and my panic and anxiety attacks due to my uncontrolled OCD. I’ve been trying to find a therapist to help me. I really need help. I need support. I’m not asking for it. I’m trying to find it. In someone who will be able to actually help me without intruding their lives. Someone who’s not a friend. I have a few friends I can count on. I just don’t know how to properly open up to people. I’ve kept everything inside for so long I don’t want to let it out. I just hope I can reverse my want to be alone.
All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy.
Its all I’ve wished for, for years the only wish I’ve had is to be happy. And I’m starting to realize there is no such thing as a wish. There is no one watching over me. There’s no one to curse for my misfortune.
Its been a long road of misfortune, abuse of all forms. Some verbal and physical abuse lasted for year and years from my peers. They know what they did was fucked up and its in the past. But it fucked me up much more then they’ll ever know. People who have given up on me have broken my ability to trust people.
People try and make connections with me and I have an issue connecting with them because I feel too vulnerable. I’ve put up amour to deflect personal questions no ones ever tried to break my walls either. And if they did they would probably see how I really am.
I know some people they may look or ask twice because they can tell I’m lying about what I’m saying.
They touch me and see how I flinch or draw back… Its because people use to hit me, not my family just a lot of the people around me. I’ve grown afraid of being touched by people because of it. Its been hardwired for me to think people are only going to hurt me. And thats so fucking fucked up. I want to be able to trust people. I want to fall in love again. I want to just be happy.